[ that's fine!! she can do that. he doesn't really respond at all, he doesn't react. it's like the end of the trial - lights are on but nobody's home. nihility, sinking right in. ]
[ he's not - capable of crying, anymore. the pressure builds and builds and builds and then has nowhere to go, and he swallows it, the bitter medicine, because what else can he do? he watches people come to him, full of life, and they do this, over, and over.
a hundred thousand soldiers around a cauldron, laughing - torn to shreds a day later. a hug he didn't want, and a frayed red ribbon a few days later. a boy who tried to punch some self preservation into him, and a table of dismembered limbs. a woman who matched his pace for every word, and a whisper - do you want me to protect you? - denied.
elysia speaks, and he can't - fucking cry, he can't, nothing happens, but he's so damn tired that just for a second his knees buckle and he has to catch himself on the rail.
saves her. for how long? how long will he hold this life in his hands before it slips away from him, too? ]
[ her heart aches, watching him buckle, seeing him crumble under the weight of loss.
she brushes the back of her fingers against his cheek. she doesn't know how quite to support him right now. she has seen so much loss in her life, but she's had many more years to grapple with her memories. ]
I love you, Jiaoqiu. [ sincere and true. ] I know you care so much, and that's why you say you feel so empty, because you give so much of yourself to try to help. You must be scarred by how many you couldn't help that you wanted to help...
I don't love how much you blame yourself for losing people, but I do love how much of your heart you give to people.
Sometimes, you remind me of a friend. I think guilt eats at you both similarly, but you're meaner than he is.
You're meaner to yourself, too. All I need is for you to stay by me. That's all.
[ the problem with not being able to cry is that it just makes him nauseated instead. the pressure is so bad it makes him dizzy.
i love you, she says, i see what you are, and it breaks him a little harder than he's expecting. she's so kind to him when he doesn't know how to apply it to himself. he doesn't know how to heal himself. victory was supposed to be the answer, but victory is nothing, here.
if she's still holding his hand, he holds it in return, tightly. ]
Please don't say these things when you don't know if you'll be next.
[ it's a little more despondent than he means for it to be. he wants it so badly, but if he reaches for it and it's taken from him again, he - it's just that he isn't sure how much more he can take. ]
[ when he finally holds her hand, relief washes over her. he may not be able to cry, but she can. she hasn't cried in ages, but there is a slight sheen to her eyes. she's happy he finally answered her even if her heart is so heavy with sadness for him. no tears fall, and she can still smile. ]
I know. I can't promise I won't be.
[ her voice is soft, much softer than it usually is. ]
But I want to heal you, too. Even if you won't let yourself be, I want to save you, too. I'm sorry I'm selfish that way.
[ she can see how little he thinks of himself, how much he refuses to be kind to himself, and she can't let it slide, can't let it go. she doesn't know the depth of how far his hurts go, but that doesn't mean she won't try to make it a little less. she doesn't have the power to heal everyone, but how can she be elysia if she doesn't try to love?
if she can't show someone she loves them? ]
I might not succeed, but I'll keep trying. Even if you reject me, I'll be with you for as long as I can.
[ his thoughts are a mess. a whirlwind between absolutely nothing and everything all at once. he cannot save the people he cares most about. every week, he takes a step forward, holds out his hand, and it's wrenched from him in some way or another. like a punishment for accepting something for himself.
elysia is so kind to him. i want to save you, too.
he drags in a breath that sounds like it hurts. ]
I couldn't reject you. [ it's been such a short time for both of their long lives, but he's so fond of her. she's bright and headstrong and full of smiles, and he's always been weak to that. he loves her too, even if he can't say it in words. ]
And I can't fathom how you could think you're selfish for wanting to resurrect old bones that have no use or right to keep standing.
You're going to make me cry if you keep saying you have no use or no right to be here.
[ she knows it's not easy to change that kind of mindset, not when he's old enough to be set in it. ]
Isn't it selfish to want to keep you when you keep trying to slip away? But maybe I'm not as sorry as I should be.
[ for wanting him to hold onto her when she can't even promise that she can be held onto. she thinks it's okay if he ends up hating her, if she has to be let go. ]
I don't mind that you're tired. I'll keep trying for the both of us. Thank you for coming back to me.
[ she can embrace the best and worst parts of him, the tired parts, the parts that hollow him out, and she can only hope she can help rebuild certain parts of him, if only a little. ]
[ he doesn't really want to slip away, so - it's okay, that she keeps holding on. it's better to be alive. it's better to take advantage of the time he has. sometimes, when he's alone, he blinks and hours have passed in seconds, and it's unnerving every time. maybe her words can be the nails in his feet that he needs.
a slow exhale, and then a little smile. ]
Of course. [ is all he can manage, at first. but - he holds her hand tightly. ] Thank you for bringing me back.
[ ... ]
I wouldn't mind taking a walk down the beach, if you'd like to come with me.
[ just to shake off the very last bit of numbness. ]
[ she will painfully hammer in ever nail if she has to. she won't ever have the years he's had with feixiao or moze, but for the few weeks they're together, she'll do whatever she can to hang onto him.
she holds onto his hand just as tight, and after a moment, she rises on the balls of her feet to kiss him on the cheek. ]
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he's at the top of the lighthouse, standing right up against the edge of the railing, staring into the open air. ]
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but if he's not reading to anything, she holds his hand, lacing their fingers together. ]
You should know having you by my side saves me.
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a hundred thousand soldiers around a cauldron, laughing - torn to shreds a day later. a hug he didn't want, and a frayed red ribbon a few days later. a boy who tried to punch some self preservation into him, and a table of dismembered limbs. a woman who matched his pace for every word, and a whisper - do you want me to protect you? - denied.
elysia speaks, and he can't - fucking cry, he can't, nothing happens, but he's so damn tired that just for a second his knees buckle and he has to catch himself on the rail.
saves her. for how long? how long will he hold this life in his hands before it slips away from him, too? ]
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she brushes the back of her fingers against his cheek. she doesn't know how quite to support him right now. she has seen so much loss in her life, but she's had many more years to grapple with her memories. ]
I love you, Jiaoqiu. [ sincere and true. ] I know you care so much, and that's why you say you feel so empty, because you give so much of yourself to try to help. You must be scarred by how many you couldn't help that you wanted to help...
I don't love how much you blame yourself for losing people, but I do love how much of your heart you give to people.
Sometimes, you remind me of a friend. I think guilt eats at you both similarly, but you're meaner than he is.
You're meaner to yourself, too. All I need is for you to stay by me. That's all.
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i love you, she says, i see what you are, and it breaks him a little harder than he's expecting. she's so kind to him when he doesn't know how to apply it to himself. he doesn't know how to heal himself. victory was supposed to be the answer, but victory is nothing, here.
if she's still holding his hand, he holds it in return, tightly. ]
Please don't say these things when you don't know if you'll be next.
[ it's a little more despondent than he means for it to be. he wants it so badly, but if he reaches for it and it's taken from him again, he - it's just that he isn't sure how much more he can take. ]
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I know. I can't promise I won't be.
[ her voice is soft, much softer than it usually is. ]
But I want to heal you, too. Even if you won't let yourself be, I want to save you, too. I'm sorry I'm selfish that way.
[ she can see how little he thinks of himself, how much he refuses to be kind to himself, and she can't let it slide, can't let it go. she doesn't know the depth of how far his hurts go, but that doesn't mean she won't try to make it a little less. she doesn't have the power to heal everyone, but how can she be elysia if she doesn't try to love?
if she can't show someone she loves them? ]
I might not succeed, but I'll keep trying. Even if you reject me, I'll be with you for as long as I can.
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elysia is so kind to him. i want to save you, too.
he drags in a breath that sounds like it hurts. ]
I couldn't reject you. [ it's been such a short time for both of their long lives, but he's so fond of her. she's bright and headstrong and full of smiles, and he's always been weak to that. he loves her too, even if he can't say it in words. ]
And I can't fathom how you could think you're selfish for wanting to resurrect old bones that have no use or right to keep standing.
[ ... ]
I'm so... tired, Elysia. But I'm here.
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[ she knows it's not easy to change that kind of mindset, not when he's old enough to be set in it. ]
Isn't it selfish to want to keep you when you keep trying to slip away? But maybe I'm not as sorry as I should be.
[ for wanting him to hold onto her when she can't even promise that she can be held onto. she thinks it's okay if he ends up hating her, if she has to be let go. ]
I don't mind that you're tired. I'll keep trying for the both of us. Thank you for coming back to me.
[ she can embrace the best and worst parts of him, the tired parts, the parts that hollow him out, and she can only hope she can help rebuild certain parts of him, if only a little. ]
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a slow exhale, and then a little smile. ]
Of course. [ is all he can manage, at first. but - he holds her hand tightly. ] Thank you for bringing me back.
[ ... ]
I wouldn't mind taking a walk down the beach, if you'd like to come with me.
[ just to shake off the very last bit of numbness. ]
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she holds onto his hand just as tight, and after a moment, she rises on the balls of her feet to kiss him on the cheek. ]
I'd go anywhere with you, Jiaoqiu.